if only every —
every word I uttered had — meaning.
if only I could achieve that
hidden level they reach in the
movies, where everyone says just
what they mean and it’s all a symbol.
if only I could be what you wanted
me to be, that one summer. to fit into
a box. to well with emotion. to soak in
this religious subtext that I’ve never
been able to grasp – emotional response.
can I ever be what you wanted? will you
ever be proud of me? can I ever tell you
the truth? would you ever read it?
I can tell you now – you won’t like it.